Having a baby and being a mother has involuntarily entered me in a competition game I had no idea about…
I’m already by nature a not-so much competitive person…like I literally don’t have that gene…some people would say that without being competitive, you’ll never become a winner. Although, to be honest, becoming a winner has never been a goal nor do I even truly understand what it means. I think that striving for “winning” means you’re better than others and I just don’t like that. I don’t consider myself better than anybody, that’s just way too stressful and idiotic. I’ve done a good job in my life at protecting myself in enjoying daily life goals, succeeding and working with others without having to outrun someone. I’ve never compared my running skills, my linguistic skills, my pain and loss levels etc…I just don’t see the point. Nonetheless, there are undeniably leaders and followers in life but often leaders do it with grace and teaching which is why they do what they do in a long term; because people believe in them and find a certain relief in trusting them. (If you read all about studies of CEOs, which is fascinating, you’ll see that it’s not about being the winner.)
Now, today, I’ve gotten into an uncontrollable spiral where I encounter competition on a daily and some days I have that feeling of wanting or desiring something greater or better. I really don’t like it. I start getting anxious or feel less than – That spiral is the insane and toxic comparison that motherhood has presented for a lot of mothers in the American culture. It started the day I was pregnant, to the day Oliver was born and hasn’t stopped. I have an idea that it won’t and I just have to stick to what I believe in; which is a more laid back, meant to be, it is what is, not-everything-has-to-be-explained philosophy.
“How did you gain that much weight?”
“You didn’t lose your baby weight yet?”
“don’t you think your baby has to be colic?”
“Your baby only weighs that much?”
“Your baby weighs that much?”
“Your baby doesn’t drink formula?”
“your baby isn’t walking yet?”
“Your baby doesn’t say 20 words yet?”
I mean it’s exhausting right and it goes on….
If I told you how many times I’ve gotten these absurd questions, you wouldn’t believe me or you’d just say that you’re going through the same thing because literally it’s like a plague! It looks like some moms live to be better than other moms to quiet their own fears- which just creates more fear into other moms who are just going about their business.
Pregnancy, children, parenting skills, weight loss, kids milestones…are personal! They are achievements in people’s daily lives that are so different from one another that I wonder why people think it’s okay to constantly compare themselves and yet, judge or make some kind of facial expression if it’s not resembling their own experience. It’s literally just an ego booster…and I’m not about it. In some countries, asking these kind of questions, is the most impolite thing you can do.
There are also the “know it all people” who constantly judge you but have no idea what you’re going through, I think they’re pretty funny too…and this doesn’t just apply to motherhood *side eye*. It’s a form of laziness to speak about someone’s life thinking you know and not believing a word you say because, in reality, you’ve never experienced it. Some people are better than others at putting themselves in your shoes….let’s just put it that way.
What’s the most important is knowing what you do for yourself and your kids. Trusting your gut feeling. Don’t let anyone make you feel like something is wrong with you or your child unless you know in your heart something is not right. If something is not right, that’s how life can be and you shouldn’t feel ashamed because you’re dealing with something “different” and I don’t even like that word, because it still creates a separation between all of us. We should be kind and understanding. Helpful and loyal. Calm and present. Listeners and honest.
The great part and advice I’ve been offered, is that we today have access to classes, specialists, tutors & more to enrich our child’s education. As new parents to be, we also have access to classes, books, blogs and more. There are ressources for each milestones, even if you live in a smaller city, it’s approachable and it it’s not, maybe you could think of something to create that in your community!
My point is there’s is no race or actual competition that is part of our reality when it comes to kids or parenting- if you love competition so much, stop sitting on your ass asking stupid questions and go be an athlete. Too harsh? I mean…seriously though…these things don’t matter. Lately, I’ve really asked myself, what are my actions that will matter the most or be the most memorable/helpful when I die. I mean it’s creepy but when you’re on your death bed, it’s not your boat, Chanel and if your kid is walking by 15 months that will matter. Being a good person matters.
I’m basically writing this post to encourage mothers & others to trust their paths and if some people make little things look like problems…get them out of your head. I have days where I feel affected and all of a sudden I wonder “why is my son not walking at 14 months?!” And then I realize…who cares!!!!! He’ll walk….when he’s ready! And that’s just the way it is. I walked at 15 months…!! And hey guess what, I’ve got walking down to a
We all have our own stories and different pace. I mean it’s not that hard to accept that, is it? – apparently it’s rocket science….just be nice and encouraging!